The Car Seat
by anakinlove
Summary: It's a Batman Robin and Nightwing fic who's title should speak for itself. T for language as usual.


"Dick shut up", Robin growled angrily. Nightwing continued to giggle violently, sitting next to Robin in the back seat of the Batmobile. "Batman", Robin moaned, "make him be quiet." Batman fought back a little snicker. "You're laughing too", Robin moaned, "you guys are such jerks."

"Alright", Batman said, getting himself under control, "leave Robin alone Wing."

"I'm sorry", Nightwing said, fighting back still more laughter, which threatened to erupt within him, "it's just so hilarious." Robin crossed his arms and gazed pointedly out the window. "Here", said Wing, "let me hug you and make it better." He reached out and tried to put his arms around Robin, but was hindered by the piece of plastic shoved into his stomach, causing him to giggle even more violently.

"Batman", Robin moaned, "Why did you have to make me use this stupid thing?"

"I'm sorry Robin", Batman said, "but that new law in Gotham says you have to sit in a car seat if you're twelve and under."

"But it's such a stupid law", Robin wailed, "why do we have to follow it? We don't follow bunches of laws. I'm twelve years old for Christ sake and I'm in a car seat." Batman shrugged and fought back another snort of laughter. Robin gave a moan.

"Look", said Nightwing, fighting back laughter, "I can make it better. When we get home, I'll paint a little Robin symbol on the front. Then, it can be the Robin seat." Both him and Batman then exploded into raucous laughter, causing Robin to bang his head angrily against the window.

"I hate you all", he said angrily, "I hate you all so much." He remembered when he had heard the terrible news.

Batman had driven up to the commissioner's office with him and Nightwing in the back seat of the car. They had not made a very good impression on the Child Services Official waiting for them as they had toppled out of the back before Batman had even stopped, fighting over a Hershey bar. Robin had ended up straddling Nightwing, twisting the howling crime fighter's fingers to try and get the candy from his grasp.

Batman had rolled his eyes and ignored them. "What can I do for you Commissioner?" he had asked as Nightwing had flipped over so he was sitting on top of Robin, furiously pulling on his arm to get him to release the chocolate.

"Well…" the Commissioner said, looking somewhat uncomfortable. But, he had been cut off because at that moment, Robin had started screaming at the top of his lungs because Nightwing was biting his neck.

"Just one moment", Batman said, and stalked over. He grabbed Robin by his cape and dragged Nightwing away by the scruff of his neck. Robin still held the candy bar and Nightwing fought against Batman to get back at it, but Batman knocked it from Robin's grasp and stamped it into the ground.

"Aww", both boys moaned.

"Get in the car now", Batman hissed to Robin. He put a grumbling Robin back on the ground and gave him a kick in the direction of the Batmobile.

"Alright, alright, I'm going", Robin had griped, rubbing his behind, "You didn't need to kick me, yeesh, child abuse."

"And you", Batman had said, turning on a grinning Nightwing, who immediately stopped grinning and looked suitably frightened at the sight of Batman glaring at him, "try to act like an adult for at least twenty seconds, you think you can handle that?" Nightwing nodded quickly and Batman released him. Wing darted over to stand next to the Batmobile. "Forgive me", Batman had said, coming back over to the commissioner, "sometimes they act like they're five and six rather then twenty one and twelve."

"Certainly Batman," the Commissioner said, "anyway, this is Mrs. Glubglub." Batman had looked at her strangely, but held out his hand to shake. Mrs. Glubglub took it, looking him over as if sizing him up.

"Excuse me Mr. Batman", Mrs. Glubglub had said, "correct me if I'm wrong but that child is twelve, is he not." She pointed to Robin in the car, who was sticking his tongue out at Nightwing. Nightwing was sticking his tongue out back. Batman gave a growl and they both looked away from each other, pretending to mind their own business.

"Yes", he said.

"Well", Mrs. Glubglub continued, "there was a new law passed in Gotham just this past week that says every child twelve and under in this city must be in a car seat when riding in a motorized vehicle. Even you vigilantes cannot be excluded from this."

"Wait", said Nightwing, coming up, "you mean little butt wipe over there has to ride in one of those dorky plastic things." The woman nodded and Nightwing started cracking up. Robin got out of the car.

"What?" he said, "No! I am not riding in a car seat, no way no how."

"I'm sorry Mr. Robin", Mrs. Glubglub had said, "but it's the law."

"Hah", said Nightwing, "that is rich. That is totally rich, I am going to have to text Red Arrow about that right now."

"No", said Robin, leaping for the phone. He toppled Nightwing to the ground and they got in another wrestling match. Batman gave a sigh.

"He'll wear it", he had said.

"What", Robin yelped, coming up from the fray.

"You'll wear it", Batman growled, "now get your ass in the car before I kick it there. You too Wing." Both boys knew better then to argue with Batman when he was in a mood like this so they both skittered back to the car as quickly as they could. So, here Robin was riding in a car seat next to Nightwing, who was giggling like mad, and Batman in the front seat, snickering so hard he almost ran into another car.

"It's not that funny guys", Robin moaned, which caused them to laugh even louder.

"Hey", said Nightwing, bringing himself under control, "I'm hungry, can we stop somewhere to eat."

"Sure", said Batman, "Where do you want to eat Robin?"

"I don't care", Robin said glumly.

"Come on", Batman prompted, "pick somewhere."

"I know you're just doing this to cheer me up", Robin muttered, "but it's not going to work."

"Just pick something bird brat", Nightwing said.

Robin gave him such a miserable look, Nightwing said, "Ohh alright, I'm sorry. I'll stop making fun of you."

"I guess we can get Burger King", Robin mumbled.

"Ohh", said Batman, "I hate Burger King."

The sound of an unhappy Batman did much to improve Robin's mood and he said with new conviction, "Yes, I want Burger King."

"Alright fine", Batman said, "but Wing, you're not getting one of those calorie charts. I don't want to know how many pounds I'm going to gain from this little excursion." Wing snickered wickedly.

They stopped at the place and both Nightwing and Batman hopped out of the car and started to head towards the restaurant. They were about to walk in when they noticed Robin was not with them. "Robin", Nightwing called, "ya comin' kiddo?"

"Just a sec", Robin said, and gave a few grunts. Nightwing and Batman turned around to face the car where Robin was fighting the straps around him. They watched him struggle for about five minutes before Robin stopped, panting and faced them with a doleful expression on his face and wailed, "I'm stuck." Nightwing started giggling so violently, he almost fell over.

"You can't get out of the child lock", he said through a gasp, "I can't believe it."

"Alright Wing", Batman said, "You get him out, I'll go order."

"Alright", Nightwing said through a laugh, staggering over to help Robin, who sat looking so angry, Wing thought he might explode. "Ok", Wing said, "lets see." He started working on the lock. After about ten minutes, he was still trying to get it open. "Damn thing", Nightwing cursed quietly, all the humor gone from the situation.

"I guess I'm not the only one who can't get a child lock open, huh?" Robin said sassily.

Nightwing gave him a dark look and said, "I wouldn't test me if I were you. I'm not the one stuck in a car seat." Nightwing fought the seat for a few more minutes before noticing a guy on the street watching him. "Hey buddy", he said, "get over here."

"Me?" the guy asked, "What did I do?"

"I need your help", Nightwing said. The man came over slowly. "Help me get this thing open", Nightwing said.

"Ok", the man agreed, and started to fiddle with the seat. "Do you have the instruction manual?" he asked.

"Yes", said Nightwing, "around here somewhere." He dove into the car and started to dig around in Batman's stuff. "He's got everything so organized", he grunted, "you can't find anything."

"You know", the man said, "my wife has had to use a couple car seats with my kids, I bet she can help."

"Call her over", said Nightwing. The man beckoned for his wife and their two tentative looking children to come over.

"Are you really Robin?" the small girl asked. Robin nodded glumly. "He's cute mommy", the little girl whispered to her mother, "I like him." Robin gave a sigh and put his cheek in his palm, which was mounted on the plastic armrest of the seat.

"Hush Ellie", the mother said, "you'll embarrass him."

'That's ok", Nightwing called up from where he was searching underneath the batmobile's seats, "I do that all the time so he's used to it, huh bird boy?" Robin gave Nightwing's waving backside (which was all he could see) a rather venomous look and crossed his arms.

"Don't worry sweetie", the woman said to Robin, "me and Al here'll have you out of there in a jiffy." Robin gave a sigh and simply looked away, trying his best to ignore the fact that he was totally mortified.

"Hey", another man said, "I'm pretty good with technology, can I help?"

"Sure", siad Nightwing, looking up, "the more the merrier."

"Yea", Robin grunted, "lets all have a party at my expense why don't we?" The small girl moved up slowly to Robin and poked his arm. Then, she gave a high-pitched shriek and rushed back to hid behind her mother. "Mommy", the girl whispered excitedly, "I touched Robin, mommy."

"Be nice dear", the mother said.

"I found the manual", said Nightwing, "let me see here." Robin just closed his eyes as more people came over to help.

When Batman came back, laden down by food and grumpy because no one had helped him carry it, he was confronted by a small crowd of about twenty people hanging around the batmobile. He came over to see Nightwing standing in the middle and Robin, still in his car seat and looking like he was about to cry. "No, no, no", said Nightwing, nose in the car seat manual, "you're supposed to compress lever A and lever B at the same time."

"No", another guy behind him who was reading over his shoulder said, "it clearly says you have to hit lever C before you compress levers A and B."

"Umm", the man in front of the seat said, "which one is lever B?"

"It's that one", another man said.

"No", a woman corrected, "its that one."

"Umm", said Batman, "What's going on here?" Everyone looked up at him.

"We're trying to figure out how to open Robin's car seat", Nightwing answered.

"I'll do it", Batman grunted. He wadded through the crowd and stopped in front of Robin, handing the food to Nightwing.

"Yummy", Nightwing said, trying to ease his burger to the top of the pile of food so he could start eating.

"You look miserable", Batman commented to Robin. The boy wonder just folded his arms and looked pointedly away. Batman fought the seat for about five minutes, making odd grunts and muttering curses to himself as he did so.

"Try the other lever", one guy called.

"No", a woman said, "He needs to hit the button in the middle."

"No", another man corrected, "he needs to pull strap C to lever A."

"It's my son's car seat", Batman snapped, "I can open it on my own."

"I'm going to be stuck in this stupid thing forever", Robin wailed, "and I really need to piss." Batman rolled his eyes.

"Screw this", he said, pulling out his bat laser, "I'll cut it off."

"No", Robin yelped, "you're gona cut off more then the straps if you use that thing."

"Look", said Batman, "I'll be quick."

"No", said Robin, "there are things down there I'm not willing to risk to your aim."

"Fine", Batman said, "I'll figure out how to get it off at home, lets go." Nightwing was still giggling as he got into the back seat of the car.

"Thanks guys, he called to the small crowd, "next time I see you I'll tell you if Robbers is gona be plastic butt forever."

"Shut up", Robin wailed, "this isn't funny dick head."

"Batman", Nightwing whined as they started to drive off, "Robin's trying to tell everyone my secret identity."

"You are a dick head", Batman said, "now, just chill Robin, we'll get the damn thing off at home." Nightwing gave an insulted huff, crossed his arms and looked angrily out the window before cracking up into giggles again. Robin fought back miserable sobs.

They had almost made it back to the Batcave when the Batmobile started to beep in warning. Nightwing, his mouth full of bacon burger, looked questioningly at Batman. "The Joker's robbing the bank down town," Batman said. "We'll just take a detour."

"No", Robin yelped, "I have to pee."

"We'll just be a sec", Batman said, and stopped the car in front of the jewel store. Both Nightwing and Batman jumped out of the car, leaving Robin fighting his seat. After about ten minutes of Robin struggling, the Joker suddenly rushed out of the store and stopped in front of the Batmobile.

He was confronted by the sight of Robin, squirming as he tried to get out of the plastic chair. Then, he just started laughing. Robin gave him a miserable look, but he just kept laughing. "Ohh", he said, "that's rich. I just have to save this moment forever." He pulled out his largest rocket gun and shot it at the car.

Robin gave a squeal and tried even harder to get out of the seat, but it was too late. The rocket slammed into the car and burst into flames. Robin screamed and fought at the seat even as the Joker was running away.

Batman and Nightwing came out of the store with a thug in each hand just as the Joker was rushing away and were confronted with the sight of the Batmobile on fire. "Get help", Batman yelled to Nightwing, and leapt into the flames. He grabbed the car seat and hacked the straps away with a batarang before gathering Robin up in his arms and wrapping his fire retardant cape around him. Then, he leapt out of the flames just as a fire engine came roaring up.

Batman lay gasping on the sidewalk next to Robin. "Are you ok?" he asked. Robin nodded.

"I'm fine," he said, "I didn't get burned." Suddenly, they heard giggling above them. Batman and Robin looked up to see Nightwing snickering madly.

"What's your problem?" Batman asked.

"It's just", Nightwing sniggered, "that car seat was supposed to save his life and it almost killed him."

"Wing", Robin snapped, "that's not funny at all."

"Yes it is", Nightwing said, giggling frantically.

"You are such a jerk", Robin growled, "that is so morbid." Nightwing just continued to giggle as the firemen did their best to quell the flames.

Batman stalked up to the Commissioner's office and strode in purposefully. He dropped a smoking car seat in front of Mrs. Glubglub and said, "And that's why Robin doesn't wear a car seat." Then, he walked away.


End file.
